What ho!

Host: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and Welcome to What Ho! Our guest for tonight is Mr. Gabriel Glove lion tamer. Welcome Gabe.
Gabriel: Good evening.
Host: And in that cage he is Simba isn’t he?
Gabriel: Exactly.
Host: Our spies reported that Simba is a trained lion. Is that correct?
Gabriel: Exactly.
Host: Would you tell us what’s Simba’s special show?
Gabriel: Well yes. Simba is trained to torn into peaces anyone who access him within ten meters.
Hostess: When did you recognise this special talent of him?
Gabriel: About two and a half years ago. As a matter of fact it was the credit of my third wife to find out this ability of Simba… God rest her soul.
Host: Have you ever worked with other animals?
Gabriel: Yes. Whit my first wife we actually did train an anaconda to crush all bones of a person. It was quite a show! Very scenic. And with my second wife we were the first ever to work with rhinos in the ring. And she was the last too I’m afraid.
Host: How did you chose lions?
Gabriel: Well first I was thinking of tigers. But tiger is a bit massy.
Host: Massy?
Gabriel: A tiger mauls the victim with so much blood and meat flying everywhere that you can hardly clean the ring afterwards and smudges the audience as well. Now the leopard is the opposite. It kills the assistant with a wave of the claw and won’t touch her for days. Deadly boring. Literally. And the cheetah is eating too fast. You blink two and there’s nothing left but a pair of bloodstained panties.
Host: Incredible!
Gabriel: Now that I talk about it I owe a lot of thanks to women. Starts a horny moaning. I’m sorry. A digress.
Host: Shell we see the act?
Gabriel: Of course! Let me ask my beautiful assistant Brigitta to help us out here.
Trumpets.
Host: A big welcome to Brigitta!
Applaud.
Host: Dear Brigitta please tell us how long have you been working with the maestro?
Brigitta: Since this morning.
Host: So this is your début in this very show!
Brigitta: Right.
Host: Gabriel would you mind telling us why you chose Brigitta?
Gabriel: Why, don’t you find her a good bird? I pick her up in the disco last night. You know… Whoooo…. I mean look at those bulbs…
Host a bit embarrassed: Is that important in lion taming?
Gabriel: What lion taming got to do with it?
Host leaning to Gabriel, in soft voice: We are on air!
Gabriel looks around and remembers himself: Oh sorry. Another distress. I’m a bit tired. I was eh… working late with Brigitta in the night.
Host: I see. A big applaud for working! Applaud. So Brigitta are you ready?
Brigitta: Yes indeed!
Host: Aren’t you a bit nervous?
Brigitta: No the master explained exactly what I should do.
Host: Let me catch on and tell the audience that if somebody voluntarily repeats the act after Brigitta, we pay 1000 bucks to the heirs. A big-big applaud to Brigitta!
Brigitta enters the enclosure off stage. A scream.
Host horrified: My God! Simba torn her into peaces for sure! Good grief! I’m stunned. Gabriel I can’t find the words to phrase my dismay!
Gabriel: Relax. She signed a declaration that she’s acting on her own account.
Host : Now that makes a difference. A big applaud to Gabriel and Simba! And rest in peace Brigitta! Or should I say: rest in pieces, Brigitta! Ha!
And now time for volunteers. Anybody? Okay, we boost the price to 2000 bucks for the brave volunteer which I give him or her in the minute coming out of the cage! No one? Coward bastards! You come here for the cheap tickets with your lousy, ugly women on wrecks you call a car, but you got no nerve to be torn apart by a lion! You could gain your fifteen minutes of fame but no! You prefer to getting age and become old faggots with Parkinson!
Back to all cheery.
Gabriel don’t you do any trick with Simba yourself?
Gabriel: Yes. We got our own act which can be performed only by the two of us.
Host: And it is?
Gabriel: I access Simba, sit on his back, then roll him on the back and sit on his stomach. After that I grab his tail and pull him around in the cage. Finally I open his mouth put my head in, while kicking his belly.
Host: Fascinating! Can we hope you perform this world hit stunt?
Gabriel: Naturally. Only I need a special apparatus first.
Host: A whip?
Gabriel: No.
Host: A hoop?
Gabriel: No.
Host: Then what?
Gabriel: A sedate gun.

Kövesdi Miklós Gábor